Mad Men: Beating Off A Dry Spell March 2, 2010

Some writer who is likely both handsome and charming wrote this under the Mad Men banner for Humour over at The Peak.

The dry spell: an unfortunate state for any virile young Mad Man to live in. Maybe serial macking has fished your local pond to nookie extinction, or perhaps you’re momentarily sidelined by a bowl-cut or problems of a crustacean sort.

Mad Men is here for you.

Together, we are going to beat this curse of forced celibacy with candor, compassion, and copious self-love. We’re all in this together, just as long as we don’t have to, you know . . . talk about it. Don’t be weird, bro. Just follow this easy four-step program to and we’ll have you eating like a king again in no time.

Step One: Assess the situation

Loneliness status: “I like me”

This isn’t so bad, is it? A little introspection and self-analysis never hurt anyone. You’ll likely be strapped with a woman for most of your adult life, so maybe a little alone time is valuable. You could start your novel, read War & Peace, even take up hot yoga. Without clam, the world is your oyster. You’ll likely have more money, too. Spend it on yourself! Buy a nice shirt, perhaps something Ed Hardy or Members Only. Take care of you. Just don’t Nair anything below your belly button.

Step Two: Those who forget history are doomed to repeat it

Loneliness status: “I should call an ex and have sexual intercourse today”

That was a harrowing half-hour, now wasn’t it? Now that you are good and in tune with your inner man, it’s time to bust out your giant black book and awaken some latent feelings! Call up a few ex-girlfriends. Start with “I’ve been thinking a lot lately,” and improvise from there. It’s not lying if you performed Step One. If this works out for you, good job, you’re done. Pass Go and collect $200. Hopefully you don’t have to spend it on the morning-after pill.

Step Three: Know your surroundings

Loneliness status: “I wonder if they still make those Tamagotchi things”

If you didn’t sow the seeds for a regretful little tryst in the past, it just takes a little MacGyver-inspired ingenuity to grant sexual independence. Have a few bananas? Enjoy the fruit, and then enjoy the skin. Evolution (or other, perhaps?) successfully made nature’s Fleshlight. Try using the microwave to improve the sensation, but have the burn unit on standby. A little moisturizer and a Ziploc freezer bag with your living-room couch can make a handy companion as well, and you’ll never look at a chesterfield the same way again. That little micro-suede minx.

Step Four: Go get laid

Loneliness status: “I wish my dog would stop giving me those bedroom eyes”

Like any affliction, the easiest way out is a cure. The desert-like dry spell has only one cure: a little moisture! This provides the perfect environment to try out some new approaches. Use less starch in your collar. Head-butt fewer boyfriends. Shower a few times a week. Take steps to make yourself irresistible, like becoming a T.A. or head of state. An old standby is to hang out around art schools with law textbooks open in front of you. The pond becomes a barrel, and it will be brimming with copic markers, Warhol prints, and the finest salmon. Time to take out your Deagle, you animal.

With these easy steps, you can be sure that your love muscle never atrophies. Be sure to archive them in case you end up married.

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Every Little Bit Helps April 5, 2009

Recession proves big business to otherwise stifled platitude industry.

By Clinton Hallahan

As the world financial market downturn drives the world economy into a recession, any glimmer of hope is encouraging, says California businessman and proprietor of platitudes Ellroy Thompson.

Thompson markets and distributes platitudes, a business very nearly driven out of business by eight consecutive years of economic prosperity, a prosperity Thompson was shocked to hear was mostly manufactured.

“They took it all the way to the bank,” he remarked “and almost drove me into the ground.”

With the foundations of global commerce now crumbling, Ellroy says his business is booming. With bloggers and print media pundits alike scrambling for ways to describe the widespread panic and hardship, Thompson says he is nearly swamped with requests.

“I had “in times like these” and “pinch every penny” stocked on the shelves for miles”, said Thompson on Tuesday, “and now I am scrambling to keep the pantry full.” By Friday evening Thompson’s stock of “recession-proof” and “Wall Street fat-cats” was completely sold through.

Competitors corroborate the increase in sales. Jerry Wilder, a truism dealer from New Mexico is experiencing a similar spike in sales. “Around Christmas I was overstocked on “you can’t borrow your way out of debt”. I was sold out on February 1st.”

Use of timely “Grapes of Wrath” quotations is also set to double from last year.

“If somebody lowers a price on something, people need a way to communicate the gravity of the situation.” Thompson said.

The upturn is not universal, however. Inner-city optimism vendors are reporting the lowest sales since Reagan, and purveyors of dictums are decrying the offenses being made daily against their craft. Ellroy Thompson is unsympathetic.

“I took my lumps and its their turn now,” he said of depressed industries, “its the way things go.”

Thompson plans to use the increased profit to invest in a small cliche factory in Denver, which he sees as becoming lucrative in the post-recession economy. He says the revenue from “not in this economy” and “credit crunch” alone will fund the venture.

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