Every Little Bit Helps April 5, 2009

Recession proves big business to otherwise stifled platitude industry.

By Clinton Hallahan

As the world financial market downturn drives the world economy into a recession, any glimmer of hope is encouraging, says California businessman and proprietor of platitudes Ellroy Thompson.

Thompson markets and distributes platitudes, a business very nearly driven out of business by eight consecutive years of economic prosperity, a prosperity Thompson was shocked to hear was mostly manufactured.

“They took it all the way to the bank,” he remarked “and almost drove me into the ground.”

With the foundations of global commerce now crumbling, Ellroy says his business is booming. With bloggers and print media pundits alike scrambling for ways to describe the widespread panic and hardship, Thompson says he is nearly swamped with requests.

“I had “in times like these” and “pinch every penny” stocked on the shelves for miles”, said Thompson on Tuesday, “and now I am scrambling to keep the pantry full.” By Friday evening Thompson’s stock of “recession-proof” and “Wall Street fat-cats” was completely sold through.

Competitors corroborate the increase in sales. Jerry Wilder, a truism dealer from New Mexico is experiencing a similar spike in sales. “Around Christmas I was overstocked on “you can’t borrow your way out of debt”. I was sold out on February 1st.”

Use of timely “Grapes of Wrath” quotations is also set to double from last year.

“If somebody lowers a price on something, people need a way to communicate the gravity of the situation.” Thompson said.

The upturn is not universal, however. Inner-city optimism vendors are reporting the lowest sales since Reagan, and purveyors of dictums are decrying the offenses being made daily against their craft. Ellroy Thompson is unsympathetic.

“I took my lumps and its their turn now,” he said of depressed industries, “its the way things go.”

Thompson plans to use the increased profit to invest in a small cliche factory in Denver, which he sees as becoming lucrative in the post-recession economy. He says the revenue from “not in this economy” and “credit crunch” alone will fund the venture.

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